


Healing is a process

by Belladonna_izy



Category: X-Men (Movies), X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Fix-It, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-01-24
Updated: 2012-02-08
Packaged: 2017-10-30 01:36:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/326318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Belladonna_izy/pseuds/Belladonna_izy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Erik was flung around by Shaw, trying to find an opening that Charles could exploit, was hurt pretty bad and that may have changed everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Charles struggled against the intense pounding in his head. The remnants of Shaw's dying conscience fading slowly. He could really have used some rest after such an intense experience. He had never felt someone die, especially in such an excruciating manner. However, there was no time to even think about that. So he managed with some effort to get to his feet and drag himself to the beach where the rest of his fellow mutants were fighting.

His arrival coincided with Erik's who was, effortlessly, levitating the dead body of his nemesis. Normally he would have felt him before seeing him but that helmet had cut him off.

No, _Erik_ had cut him off.

Admitting that to himself made his heart tighten in his chest. He was afraid. Not of Erik, because he believed that the magnetokinetic would never intentionally hurt him. He was terrified of what that disconnection between them may mean and where it could lead.

Upon the sight of their dead leader; Angel, Azazel and Riptide stopped fighting, looking up at Erik with apprehension and a tinge of awe. Their expressions were partially mirrored by the rest of his own team. Although, Charles suspected his own held nothing but sorrow.

Letting the body drop, Erik started talking about brotherhood and union between mutants against humans.

But Charles was only listening in part, his own heartbeat deafening to his ears. He had expected something like this would happen. But he had clung to the hope that he could get through to Erik, like a drowning man to a life-preserver. The tightening in his chest increasing as anxiety seized him.

He observed the man in front of him move with slight, deliberate moves; his voice tight, probably due to the intensity of the situation. Erik's eyes were cold, colder than he had ever seen them, but there was also something else in them that Charles could not quite place.

"The real enemy is out there. I feel their guns moving in the water."

_Please don't. Don't do this Erik!_

He tried desperately to project the thought to his friend but found nothing. As if Erik was a void. An absence.

"...they are running scared my fellow mutants." Erik motioned towards the ships, "Go ahead Charles, tell me I am wrong."

That brought Charles to full attention. He eyed his friend carefully before bringing his fingers to his temple, trying to ascertain if Erik was indeed right and fearing that he was.

It took no effort to verify hisstatement. And Erik, who had been studying him carefully, picked up the sudden widening of his eyes as confirmation. As he nodded, Charles felt everyone's fear flare. Moira, who had been following him, turned on her heels and run towards the wreckage of their plane, no doubt to try and contact the ships.

But the missiles were released.

Everyone stared in fear as the airborne weapons quickly closed the distance between the ships and the island.

Then Erik raised his hand.

One by one the missiles froze in the air. Suspended as if by invisible strings.

It was to be expected that Erik would be able to do that after lifting the submarine but everyone let out a breath of relief. Not Charles though. He was too anxious now, he knew that this would be the most defining moment of his life. Everything depended on Erik's next step. Would he disable the missiles or would he retaliate?

As his eyes roamed the face of his friend, Charles noted the tightness of his lips. Suddenly Erik's effort to maintain control of the missiles was obvious in his face. The telepath now noticed that the magnetokinetic's hand was clutching his side.

"Erik are-" he begun but was cut off as he found himself gazing into his friend's eyes and something clicked in his mind, a recognition. What he had seen in Erik's eyes was pain, pain that he had tried to hide.

_If it wasn't for that blasted helmet-_

His thoughts were interrupted as an explosion was heard and the wave knocked him down and a few feet away. Immediately he searched mentally for the others and was relieved to find all of them, even Moira who had just returned to their side, safe but anxious. Their anxiety seeped into him and scurrying to his feet he searched for the one he couldn't reach.

His anxiety escalated to panic as he saw Erik on his knees, one hand supporting him, the other keeping the rest of the missiles in place. He hurried back to his side and with horror he saw blood coming from his friend's mouth.

Erik's eyes were slightly unfocused as they found his. Pain was etched on every line of his face.

"Charles," he spoke, the strain becoming evident from the tightness of his voice, "You have to leave. I don't know how much longer I can keep them in place."

Frantically, Charles shook his head as soon as the first words left his friend's mouth.

"No! Erik. No!" he almost yelled.

Erik coughed, blood spraying on the sand.

The missiles moved a little forward.

"Azazel! Please, can you help us?" Charles's desperation took control of him as he turned to the devil-like mutant. Tears pooling into his pleading eyes.

Hesitantly the man nodded. Relief washing over Charles, he motioned to the others to come to him. Quickly the linked hands. Charles grabbing Erik's before taking Azazel's.

_Take us to a hospital._

He whispered into the teleporter's mind, not sure if he was implanting a suggestion or simply asking.

It must have been the latter since, he received a nod of agreement.

Then, they were gone.

The missiles, now released from their invisible hold, devastated the island.


	2. Chapter 2

Barely a second after their departure from the beach, they appeared in a dimly lit passageway.

"Where are we?" Sean whispered.

"In some sort of utility tunnels I assume," Hank replied.

"This must be a hospital where Azazel felt safe enough to take us," Charles said as he helped Erik on his feet, not paying real attention to the teleporter's affirmative nod. His entire focus was on the magnetokinetic, whose breathing was now labored.

"You should sit down. You shouldn't be moving so much," he told him.

Erik's lips were a thin line, an expression that Charles had come to recognize as determination blended with stubbornness. It was obvious that Erik regretted his moment of weakness back at the beach and seemed now determined to hide his real condition.

_Ever the fighter._

He looked at Charles, moving to stand in front of him. His movements seemed restrained, suspiciously so. His hardened expression softened as he saw the depth of concern the telepath's eyes revealed.

"Charles I-"he started saying but was cut off.

"What? You are fine? You were coughing blood just a moment ago." Charles felt anger rising in him. But as it had come, it dissipated as he saw how pale Erik was and he noticed a faint tremble of his hands.

"We should get you to a doctor quickly," the telepath said in a determined tone as he made a move to wrap his hand around his friend's waist to offer him support. Half way through the movement he felt Erik's body shake, as a new fit of coughing overwhelmed him. Then he felt the magnetokinetic relax completely as he crumpled to the floor, almost dragging Charles with him.

Panicked, Charles lowered him to the floor as gently as he could.

"Erik! Erik!" his hands touched the other man's shoulders, shaking him slightly.

The others whispered in concern as Hank kneeled by Erik and checked his pulse.

"His pulse is weak and his breathing uneven. We should get him to a doctor soon, he may be going into shock," a note of urgency was evident in his voice.

"I'll go," Raven said as she shifted to her usual human form, before taking off in a hurry, followed by Moira.

Charles nodded, fear etched on his face. He was certain now that his friend had sustained internal injuries, maybe even internal bleeding, by being thrown around by Shaw.

With shaking hands, he reached out and carefully removed Shaw's helmet from his friend's head.

As soon as the barrier between his mind and Erik's was removed, all his senses were overwhelmed by pain. The helmet fell from his hands with a mild clang.

A gasp left the telepath's lips.

The feeling was so intense and unexpected that it broke through his usual mental barriers. For a moment Erik's pain was his own. Every neural passageway was filled with it. Then, his mind reacted to protect itself and pushed the pain behind the mental walls. Charles took a deep breath trying to shake off the effect.

_How was he able to stand, being in such pain?_

"Professor!"

"Professor?"

"Professor? Are you okay?"

The rest of the team were asking. He nodded.

"He must be bleeding internally," Hank confirmed Charles's suspicions. The younger man was obviously trying to sound as cold and scientific as he could in order to reign in his own anxiety and concern. Both of them knew the implications of Erik's condition and how potentially dangerous it could be.

"Shouldn't we hurry then?" Alex enquired as he came closer.

Hank shook his head. "We shouldn't move him."

"Raven is on her way," Charles informed them.

His hand caressed lightly Erik's hair. It was a comforting gesture he hoped would reach his friend. He could attempt to do more, take away his pain but he felt it was unwise. Charles feared that by doing something like that he could cause problems with Erik's treatment and that wasn't a risk he was willing to take.

_I am sorry my friend. Please...just bear with it a little longer._

"Damn it!" he muttered under his breath. Concern overlapping with anger. Anger targeted at himself for being unable to do anything and at Erik for being so reckless with himself.

Erik's breathing was now even more strenuous. His skin felt colder too, Charles noted as he touched his forehead.

Everyone heard the echoes of footsteps and a faint clinging sound as Raven came into view, with four people and Moira in tow. Two men and a woman.

"We're here," Moira confirmed as they reached them.

One man was in his early forties, fit, with light brown hair and dark brown eyes. The other one was older, in his mid fifties, gray hair and medium build. The woman, who was pushing a gurney, was younger with brown hair tied up, fair skinned and small build. As their clothes indicated, the men were doctors while the woman was probably a nurse.

For a moment Charles admired the tenacity of Moira and his sister to actually persuade two doctors to follow them and briefly wandered how they had managed it.

If the newly arrived people wondered at the circumstances or if they were taken aback by Hank's appearance, they didn't show anything besides a widening of their eyes. They took in the situation as professionals and immediately focused on the unconscious man that lay on the floor.

The two men knelt by his sides, pushing aside Charles and Hank, who gave them space to do their job but kept close, anxious to see.

"What happened?" the older man asked as he checked for a pulse.

"He was in a fight. Got tossed around a lot," Charles voice came out strained.

"We fear he may be bleeding internally," Hank informed.

The doctor's face darkened as he nodded. "How long has he been unconscious?"

The other man reached for the zipper of Erik's uniform as he put on his stethoscope.

"About 3 minutes," Hank provided.

"Did you move him?"

"No but-"Charles started saying but was cut off by the younger doctor.

"Doctor Martin! Look at this."

There was urgency in his tone and as Charles followed his gaze he saw what had instilled the tone in the doctor's voice.

There was a big bruise spreading in Erik's lower sternum.

"He is bleeding internally, his pulse is thready, he is hypothermic and tachycardic and his breath sounds are uneven," the younger doctor provided.

The older doctor, gave a short nod of agreement, "He is going into shock."

Then he turned to the nurse, "Mary bring the stretcher, we have to rush him to the ER."

As they moved Erik to the gurney Charles looked at his friend's colourless face in horror.

"He is going into cardiac arrest!" He yelled as he climbed on Erik and started giving him CPR.

"Move Jones! We're losing him!" he commanded the other man who reacted immediately and begun to push the gurney.

Charles felt like he had been frozen to the core. What he was feeling was beyond panic, a fear so all consuming that could swallow him whole. Erik was in a worse condition than he had thought.

_Cardiac arrest._

_That is...clinical death._

_Erik could die..._

He felt his breath catch in his throat. He wanted to scream.

_This wasn't supposed to happen!_

Charles was suffocating, his throat burning and he felt his eyes water.

"Charles," Raven's soft voice shook him from his daze. She looked upset and he could see tears in her eyes. Tears she refused to let fall.

He knew Raven cared about Erik as well. They were all a family now.

"He'll be all right," she whispered softly as she drew him in an embrace.

Charles briefly wondered when his sister had become this strong young woman that was comforting him now.

"We should follow them," Moira said.

Both siblings nodded their agreement and started towards the route Raven had taken earlier.

"Ah, I-" Hank muttered, "go on, I will follow you later."

Charles steps were steady as he moved, followed by the rest of his team. He had chosen once again to embrace hope. A hope that was fueled by the fact that he could still feel, however vaguely and dampened by the pain, the presence of his friend's mind.

_Erik! I'm here. I am by your side. Please hold on!_


	3. Chapter 3

The worst part of it all was the waiting. Not knowing what was going on and simply sitting in one of the uncomfortable chairs of the waiting room, fearing the worst and hoping for the best.

Raven hadn't seen her brother so out of it before. He had sat down and not moved from the moment they had gotten there. She had assumed that he was reaching for Erik with his mind, taking whatever assurance he could that the other man was alive. To everything else, Charles was oblivious.

Even when the nurse had come to get Erik's information, Charles hadn't reacted. He hadn't even looked up. Thankfully Moira had been able and willing to fill out the necessary documents. Raven was grateful to her for her clear-headedness and determination. It had been Moira that had gotten both doctors to come with her, using a very authoritative tone, she had stared them down and made them comply. Briefly the shapeshifter had wondered if that was something that had come from the CIA training. In any case she couldn't help but admire the older woman.

As they all sat around, near one another, Raven, in her usual blonde disguise, let her eyes wonder to the rest of their group. Hank had come back wearing a hood and gloves, trying to hide his animalistic characteristics and his blue fur. Alex sat opposite her and was looking at the floor, a solemn expression on his face. Sean was now seated but would get up at intervals and pace up and down. Moira was sitting near Charles, hands crossed in front of her, her left index finger gently tapping her right arm.

Azazel, Riptide and Angel had disappeared but nobody had noticed or seemed to particularly care about their departure. Not with what was going on and the anxiety over Erik.

Her eyes fell again on her brother. Charles was completely still, head supported by his right hand and a faraway gaze. His eyes were pools of worry and concentration. Raven was worried by this. She had suspected that he had become very close to Erik, especially given the fact that they had known each other for such a short time, but this reaction was too intense. She could literally feel concern and anxiety radiate from Charles's stiff posture.

_Charles, could you be...?_

Before the thought even had the opportunity to form in her mind, she was pulled back to reality as a nurse approached them. She took a brief look at the chart she had with her before addressing them.

"Family and friends of Erik Lensherr?" she asked.

That attracted everyone's attention, even Charles's.

"Yes," he looked at her.

"He's is still in surgery and has suffered severe blood loss. He will need a transfusion."

The news brought new agitation in the group.

"Does any of you have O blood type or B-?"the woman enquired.

Silence reigned for a moment as they looked at each other. Then a hesitant hand was raised.

"I do. My blood type is O."

Suddenly everyone's focus shifted to Sean, who had uttered those words with a hint of timidity and determination.

As the nurse nodded, the others smiled at the young man. Alex even squeezed his shoulder, while Charles gave him a grateful look.

She looked at Sean,"Very well mister...?"

"Cassidy."

"Ok, you will have to come with me." she said almost absent-mindedly as she scribbled down something on the chart.

"Oh, and if there is anyone else willing to donate blood...the hospital is always in need of blood."

"Yes of course." Moira spoke as the others nodded their agreement eagerly.

"Follow me then."

Charles made a move to follow them but was stopped on his heals by Moira's penetrating gaze.

"No, not you, "she told him in a tone that left no room for disagreement. Charles looked at her in surprise.

"You have been through a lot today. Last thing we need is for you to faint from blood loss," she explained in a tone that Raven recognized. She had used it herself when Charles was being overly excited or reckless. It was a blend between motherly and sisterly.

Charles needed reminding sometimes that helping others is nice and good but you have to take care of yourself first in order to be in a position to help others. Raven loved that side of him, the altruism and the hope. The tendency to see the best in others and ignore the rest. But it worried her as well. In a sense it was Charles's greatest strength and weakness. That kind of open-heartedness, the readiness to embrace the entire world, could break him if he was ever betrayed. Which was why Raven was determined to protect him from himself if need be and she was happy to find an ally in Moira.

"Moira is right Charles, you shouldn't overexert yourself," as she spoke tenderly to her brother, letting her concern for him reach him, she gently touched his hand. "Sit here with Hank and we will be back soon."

He hesitated for a moment.

"Yes. Ok," he said tiredly.

That earned him a smile from both women.

"Shall we?" the nurse cut in, a hint of impatience coloring her voice.

As they turned and left, Charles returned to his seat. Hank let out a sigh before moving to the seat next to the older man.

"Professor..." his voice trailed away as he tried to find the right words.

"Professor, Erik will be okay. He is very resilient."

"I know...I know firsthand all he has gone through and still survived, despite all the odds," Charles said looking at his hands. His voice cracking a bit with emotion.

_I know. I just can't help thinking about it._

What Charles couldn't put into words was the weird feeling he had had before the battle. He had spent last night and turning, trying to come to terms with Erik's declaration about killing Shaw. He had expected something to happen, though he hadn't known precisely what. Something that would put a dent in his and Erik's relationship. Charles had suspected that revenge would not be what Erik imagined and feared how that would affect his friend. It was entirely possible that Erik would close himself off and even go to extremes. Then Charles would lose him. But losing him like that, though it would hurt, was nothing compared to the thought of Erik dying.

The thought of losing Erik tore at his heart. The relationship that bound them together was more than the immediate connection they had established. They complimented each other, respected each other and disagreed with each other. Charles had never felt happier than those days they had spent together on those recruitment missions. They were best friends. Yet somehow, the term didn't seem to do justice to what existed between them. He really couldn't specify the reason his feelings were so strong when it came to the magnetokinetic.

He had been surprised and now was a little concerned by this realization. If Azazel hadn't immediately agreed to help them off the island, the telepath wasn't sure how he would have reacted. Never before had he been so glad for the self control he had developed so diligently throughout the years. But it appeared that Erik's wellbeing was sufficient reason to push him as far as being tempted to break his own rules.

_I need him._

The thought came to the surface unexpectedly. Charles felt himself blink in surprise. It was true though. Somewhere, somehow in the past months Erik had become indispensable. The more he had gotten to know him, the more entranced by the man he became. Erik was complex and exciting and he was like air to Charles.

Necessary.

Once again, seeking assurance he dived into his friends mind. He couldn't get a specific read but at least he was still there. A weak presence. But at least Erik was still there.

Hank didn't make another effort to speak and the two men sat in silence, waiting for the rest of the team to return and for news on Erik's condition.

**.**

**oOo**

**.**

Two hours passed since Erik was ushered to the OR.

The wait was gnawing at everyone's nerves. Raven had fallen asleep on Hank's shoulder. The intensity of the day and the sheer physical exhaustion, coupled with blood loss, was taking its toll.

Moira was on her third coffee as Alex and Sean returned from the cafeteria and handed a cup filled with water to Charles.

"Professor, we thought you could use some," Alex said.

Charles took it, giving the boys a smile but was distracted as the doctor walked in the room.

Everyone's focus was immediately on him.

Charles got up. Moira moved to his side.

"Your friend is now stable. He has some contusions to the upper body, some cracked ribs and a broken one. His most severe injury was a result of the broken rib, that had nicked his lung and heart."

"B-but now he's ok? He is going to be ok?" Raven and Charles asked at the same time, hopeful and desperate to be assured that the worst was over.

The doctor gave them a smile in understanding. "We will keep him for a 48 hour observation to be sure he doesn't start bleeding internally again. Barring any complications he will be able to leave the hospital in a week."

"However," assumed his most serious posture and tone, "his injury was severe and we almost lost him twice at the table. These kind of injuries require an extensive period of recuperation. He will be on antibiotics and painkillers for at least a month and he will have to be very careful not to overexert himself."

_It would be catastrophic if the tear in his heart reopens._

Charles blanched a bit at the thought he heard from the doctor.

"Don't worry, we will make sure he takes it easy," the telepath assured him. For the first time since the battle with Shaw he let himself smile earnestly.

As the doctor left them, Charles noticed smiles and hugs going all around the team and quickly he felt enveloped in one himself.

"You see Charles, he is going to be okay," Raven assured him.

"Yeah," he replied, leaning in the hug.

It seemed like ages had passed since he had last breathed freely. He took a deep breath and let himself relax.

That was the last thing he knew as he felt himself fall, enveloped by impenetrable darkness.

Voices were calling out to him.

Then nothing.


	4. Chapter 4

Blue eyes fluttered open as Charles attempted to adjust to the sudden return to consciousness. Slowly taking in the white room, soft light emanating from a lamp beside the bed; illuminating an empty chair that seemed to be maintaining a vigil beside his bed, as well as a small closet on the opposite wall.

With dismay he realized he was wearing one of those ghastly hospital gowns and that there was an IV drip attached to his arm.

As he tried to sit up, he felt a little dizzy and halted his movement. Outside the window, it was dark.

_How long was I unconscious?_

He felt tired and the bed was more than inviting but a thought struck him.

_Erik!_

He fumbled with the sheets, trying to release himself and got up. The quick movement made him wobble, as he reached out and grabbed the chair, trying to steady himself.

With a few tentative steps he reached the closet and opened it. He was pleasantly surprised to find newly bought pants, shirt and shoes. He took them and placed them on the chair. Sparing a look towards the door to make sure it was closed, he pulled the gown off and started dressing. First the pants, then the shirt.

A soft creaking was heard.

"Where exactly do you think you are going?" The exasperated voice of Raven filled the small hospital room. She was standing, almost glaring at him, at the opening of the door.

Charles looked up guiltily as he finished buttoning up his shirt.

"Em...it's not what you think?" he tried. Sounding like a child that had been caught causing mischief.

"Oh...So, you're not going to see Erik?" his adopted sister asked, eyebrows raised.

"Okay, maybe it is what you think," Charles answered and made a move towards her and the door.

Understanding his intention, she stepped in front of him.

"Oh no mister. Don't start this with me. You are not going to see Erik now. The doctor said that you had to stay in bed for at least a day," while she spoke, her eyes were scanning Charles's face.

"Raven, I assure you, I am feeling fine."

"No, no. You are NOT fine. You fell unconscious in my arms and the doctor said that it is simply fatigue but that you have to rest and..." Her gaze fell on his hand. "Well at least you didn't get rid of your IV."

Charles smiled shyly at his sister.

"I wasn't going to."

His face took a saddened expression blended with longing," I just wanted to see him."

"Charles..." Raven took his hand in hers. "He is freshly out of surgery and you are a patient now as well. I don't think they would let you in."

Her eyes were warm and understanding.

"Oh yes they would," he whispered looking away from her.

He realized that he must not have spoken as quietly as he thought he had.

"Charles Francis Xavier!" she exclaimed. Part surprised, part exasperated at his stubbornness.

Charles rarely demonstrated directly that particular aspect of his personality. Usually he would hide it behind his machinations and his apparent serene demeanor but it was always there. The long years of living together with him had taught her that. Rare though it may be, when he was like this it was difficult to get through to him.

Taking a breath she moved them both towards the bed. Sitting side by side, his hand always in hers she looked deeply into his eyes before starting to speak.

"Look Charles. I know you are worried and that you want to see him to make sure he is okay. I get it!" She declared.

"But, as the doctor said, Erik has a long way before him if he is going to recover from his injuries and I don't think he is the kind of person to follow doctor's orders," Raven let out a sigh.

_And it appears he is not the only one._

"So, we will need you to keep him in line. He listens to you."

The telepath shot her an incredulous look.

"He does. Wasn't it you that persuaded him to come back. Come on Charles, you told me all about how he was about to walk away and yet he changed his mind," Raven insisted.

"So, in order for you to be able to help him you will have to take care of yourself first," She concluded.

Charles opened his mouth to speak but was cut off.

"Don't tell me you are fine. I know you well enough to see that the way you are filching every time I speak is the result of a headache. You need to rest."

He could see her eyes pleading.

_Please Charles. I was so worried for you when you collapsed._

He never liked making people worry for him. He felt guilty for making things harder on his sister. Surely she had been distressed for Erik and he had only added to it.

It was true he had a headache. He had had it ever since the events on the beach. At first it had been a sharp pain, now it was a dull ache, almost like a pulsating sensation.

The nod of agreement he gave to Raven made her smile.

"Okay then, get back into that gown and bed and I will get a nurse to give you some painkillers," she said lovingly squeezing his arm.

Releasing her hold on him, she moved towards the door but his voice stopped her.

"Raven, where are the others?" Charles enquired.

"They've found a hotel nearby and went there to get some rest. I insisted on staying, to be here when you woke up," she replied, the smile never leaving her face.

"But don't worry, Moira will be here soon to keep an eye on you," she hastened to assure him before leaving the room.

"I don't need-"

Charles tried to protest but she had already left.

Taking a deep breath he started the tedious task of undressing. Once he was back in his bed, lying comfortably on the pillows, Raven's words came back to him.

_He listens to you._

Charles had his doubts. Erik was too much his own man, too independent to listen to anyone. He had his opinions and ideals and stuck with them. Could Charles truly dissuade him from anything the magnetokinetic wanted to do?

He hadn't been able to stop Erik from killing Shaw. He wouldn't have been able to stop him from-

For a moment Charles flashed back at that moment on the beach where Erik had complete control over the missiles? What would he have done? Could Charles have stopped him if he chose to attack the ships? Would he have listened to him? The telepath was uncertain. It had been Erik's decision to put on that helmet. He had chosen to cut himself off from Charles. For one moment Erik had not trusted him.

And that hurt.

It hurt deeply.


	5. Chapter 5

Erik woke up feeling groggy and disoriented. A faint beeping sound reached his ears. Then came the pain.

That was something familiar. A sensation he had woken up to for as long as he could remember. Most of the time it was mental, the product of nightmares spun by real experiences. Today, it was purely physical. Pain was something he knew well. It had been a constant companion throughout his existence.

He had never shied away from it. Not after Shaw. Pain had become a friend to him. A reminder that he was still alive and that he had something he had to do. Whether it was physical or mental, he had been through intense pain before, enough to know how to tame it, up to a point.

That was how on the beach-

Ah, the beach. Now Erik remembered.

Shaw was dead.

A smile spread on his face and he begun laughing.

Shaw was no more.

He had killed him.

Then he noticed a movement, near his right hand. A second later he found himself staring in the blue sleepy eyes of Charles Xavier.

"Erik, you're awake," he muttered and gave him a bright smile that reached his eyes.

A sincere smile of joy.

The nod Erik gave him seemed to please him even more.

From the very first time he had met Charles, Erik had been captivated by his eyes. Radiant eyes that held so much hope, kindness and love. The telepath was determined to see good in others and to help them. Even Erik was no exception.

Often the magnetokinetic found himself wishing he could be what the other man wanted him to be. Because to disappoint Charles, who so readily accepted everyone, seemed like a grave sin, even in a sinner's eyes.

But he couldn't.

For the longest of times he had been bound by chains of hate; fueled by revenge. Everything he had done was to survive and reach his one goal, his one true ambition, Shaw.

He had seen Charles's eyes darken with disappointment and concern when he had expressed his intentions regarding the man that had killed his mother. He had known that that could be the turning point of their relationship, their friendship. Even Charles's acceptance must have limits, certain things even Charles couldn't ignore, Erik had mused at one point.

"Why are you here?" he asked with a hoarse voice.

The question seemed to surprise the other man. His smile lost some of its strength and his eyes darkened slightly.

Erik felt Charles's hand envelop his.

Now he was genuinely surprised.

Why was Charles still here, with him. After what he had done? After the helmet.

He had known well what it had meant to put on that helmet. He had intended to cut himself off from Charles. He had wanted to erect a wall between them because he knew that this was it. He had done something that Charles couldn't forgive. There was no going back after that.

"I am here because you are my friend and I care about you. Even if..." the telepath's voice trailed away.

Erik took a painful breath. He felt anger rising within him as he spoke, "Even if I killed someone in cold blood?"

Charles looked at him with disbelief before shaking his head, "No, that wasn't what I wanted to say."

"Then what Charles?" the mental bender almost demanded, trying to muster the strength to sit up but finding it very difficult.

"Even if you didn't want me here," came the other man's reply. His eyes downcast.

The magnetokinetic was at a loss, "Didn't want..."

_How could he think that I-_

There was something strange about all this, Erik realized. It was as if Charles was apprehensive of something, almost afraid. He had never seen him so reserved and cautious.

_Cautious._

That was it. Realization dawned on him.

Charles is actively trying to stay away from my mind.

This is because of that _verdammt_ helmet!

_Yet again I have disappointed him. I showed him that I didn't trust him._

"I am sorry Charles," Erik spoke softly, almost astonished at his own words as they left his lips.

"For what?" Yet again the telepath seemed surprised.

"For not being who you want me to be."

As he uttered those words, Erik's eyes were fixed on the ceiling of his, off-white room.

For a moment only the heart monitor's beeping could be heard.

"How do you know you're not?" Charles asked, a very soft expression on his face as he made eye contact. "How do you know you're not exactly as I want you to be?" He pressed.

Erik looked at him thoughtfully.

"You don't see yourself clearly my friend. I told you before, there is so much more to you than you know," The telepath continued. "As for Shaw...I cannot begrudge you that. Not, knowing what I know. Even if I regret it had to be this way."

"You could have let him go," Erik said.

"But I didn't," The telepath replied, shaking his head. "If I had, he could have killed you and that wasn't something I would want to happen."

With great concentration and sheer power of will, Erik moved the bed to get himself into an almost sitting position.

"Erik!" Charles protested.

The magnetokinetic ignored him and tried to shift into a more comfortable position before speaking again, "Where are we Charles?"

"New York Hospital. Azazel, Shaw's teleporter brought us here just after you so heroically urged us to leave you behind on that island," The telepath was trying to keep the anger from his voice but wasn't succeeding.

He was so angry at Erik for that. He appreciated greatly that the magnetokinetic was inclined to sacrifice himself for his fellow mutants but that was something he never wanted to experience again. How could Erik have thought that they would leave him behind, that _he_ would leave him behind.

"You were severely injured, bleeding internally. You have a few cracked ribs and a broken one that had nicked your left lung and heart," He explained as coolly as he could but still at times his voice shook as he remembered the moments he had spent in fear of losing his friend.

"You have been asleep for more than 12 hours, on and off due to the anesthesia and the fatigue," The telepath concluded, earning a nod from the man sitting in front of him.

This recounting didn't seem to bother Erik, he seemed uninterested in his own condition.

"When will I be able to get out of here?" He asked calmly.

"The doctor said it will be about a week before you can come home with us," Charles replied, a hint of hope in his eyes.

"Home...Could I really do that Charles?" Erik enquired, his voice a strange mix of emotions.

Even though Charles was a good person, he was not a saint, try though he might. Could he really return to the mansion? Did he want to? Did he have the right to seek out that peace that he had felt in the brief days he had spent there? The peace he had denied he wanted or needed?

Charles squeezed gently his hand, "You will always be welcome there Erik. It will be your home for as long as you want it to be."

"There are many things that separate us," The mentalbender stated.

"That may be, but I believe that there are far more that unite us," Charles countered.

"You know that my methods are very different from yours," Erik told him, looking straight into his eyes.

Charles stood his ground. He seemed determined, "I do. But Erik, I am hoping to find a middle ground."

A middle ground. Yet another of Charles's idealistic visions? When push came to shove could they really hold it together? They were two very different people. Different backgrounds, different experiences that had formed their views on life. Erik was the product of the hard reality and what it could inflict on people. Forged in pain, conflict and having largely experienced the worst of what the human race was capable of.

Charles on the other hand had been raised in privilege and though Erik suspected from few words here and there that it had been exactly idyllic, he had lived a much calmer life. He had had Raven by his side and though his ability must have caused him some problems, he had had someone to share them with. For many years he had been an observer of humanity, seeing the best and the worst in them but always through a filter. He had never experienced firsthand that darkness that dominated the hearts of some people. Allowing him the ability to theorize about peace and to hope.

_But those differences are what bind you two together._

A voice whispered in his mind, at first he thought it was his friend but he realized it was his own.

It was true. They had worked together well and they had succeeded. In a sense, Charles and he were like yin and yang. Two opposing forces that complemented each other. Necessary for one another.

"Please Erik, give us a chance," Charles's tone was almost pleading.

However, everything came down to one thing. Did Erik want to go back with Charles? Was that the kind of life he wanted?

Yes, he wanted Charles by his side.

He would feel so alone if the telepath ever left him.

The realization almost came too late.

_I almost lost him once, because I was afraid what it would mean if he turned his back on me._

_But am I so selfish as to possibly put Charles through the same thing again, make him accessory to murder? Like I did with Shaw?_

The thought of Charles's hands stained with blood made his heart constrict.

From the first moment he had met the telepath Erik had felt very protective of him, because he was something Erik was not. He was pure and kind and caring. And he had seemed like he genuinely cared about Erik, despite his darkness.

For so long Erik had been alone and seeing people like him readily accept him had been a gift. He had taken the risk and opened up to Charles and had gotten to know him. They had gotten close and Erik for the first time in many years had found a friend. No, more than a friend, an equal. And for a brief period of time he had been happy. But deep down Erik had been afraid of the connection he had so easily established with the other man.

There was that part of him that warned against attachments. Friends and family could be used against you. Shaw had taught him that particular lesson very well.

If you had no one to care for, or no one to care for you, there was no danger of them dying because of you. If you loved no one, then you wouldn't live in fear of losing them. Charles was important to Erik and that made him a liability. But though Erik had struggled, he had realized he was unable to resist him.

He would have walked away from that first moment in the CIA facility, after he had gotten what he had wanted. But Charles had intervened and Erik had let himself be persuaded. It was as if the telepath was his own personal magnet. So, since he was unable to break free of this attachment, Erik had made his decision to protect him. He wouldn't let Charles suffer because of him. He wouldn't let him get hurt.

Even if that meant protecting him from afar.

Or, protecting him from Erik himself.

So why was he now wavering?

For good or ill, Charles seemed to want him, to need him and for now that was enough.

Taking a breath, he reached a decision, "Okay Charles, let's give this a chance."

At the sight of the smile that bloomed on his friend's face and the joy that reflected in the man's eyes, Erik couldn't help but grin a bit himself. Reveling in the comfortable silence, they just sat there looking at each other; smiling.

Suddenly the door opened, a little abruptly. Tearing the attention of the two men, from one another, towards the woman that was standing at the opening.

"Charles!" came Moira's exasperated voice.

"H-hey Moira," the telepath replied, blushing slightly.

She looked angry.

"Raven told me you were not to leave your room until the doctor came to check on you!"

Charles gave half a laugh.

_You snuck out of your room?_

The thought was directly aimed at Charles and he must have perceived it because he turned towards his bedridden friend, a surprised expression on his face. He searched the Erik's eyes as if asking permission. The magnetokinetic gave him a slight nod.

 _Y-yes. I wanted to check up on you_.

Erik looked amused for a moment and relieved, it felt familiar to have Charles speak to him this way.

Then what Moira had said caught up with him.

"Wait, why where you in a hospital room?" He demanded, concern evident in his voice.

"Because the Professor here overexerted himself and he continues to do so despite doctor's orders," Moira provided helpfully.

"I'm okay," Charles said, earning a glare from Moira, "Really."

"I'm not hearing any of it. I am taking you back to your room," She declared.

_Help me?_

Came Charles's playfully pleading voice in his head.

Erik shook his head before sending a thought to his friend.

_Oh no, I am with Moira on this one._

_Traitor!_

Charles's mock-glared at him as he let himself be led out of the room.

"It's good to see you are okay Erik," Moira said, sparing him a smile, as she half-dragged the errant professor by the hand.

_Go and rest Charles, we will have time to talk later._

That must have been the right thing to say since he could swear he felt relief coming from the telepath's mind.


End file.
